Unbalanced

I have to laugh at this writeup of Catherine Deneuve in SALON, in the "Underacting Hall of Fame" section today...

While rewatching Catherine Denueve’s breakthrough performance in 1965′s “Repulsion,” in which she plays a transplanted Frenchwoman losing her mind in London, I was struck by the magnificent paradoxes of her lead performance. She’s at once numb and alert, opaque and transparent. She’s lost in her own thoughts, her own manias, and yet even though neither she nor the dialogue give you many specific clues as to what, exactly, is happening to her, you still feel it, and get it. It’s a performance that ought to seem boringly general but that instead seems achingly specific. It’s not “insanity” that’s being portrayed, but one particular character’s insanity. All this comes through because Deneuve has turned herself into a blank slate onto which the film’s environment can inscribe itself.

To me, this reads as textbook Libra. ;)

Horoscopic

The ONION's horoscopes always crack me up. Several of these had me laughing out loud...

Aries Sleep will elude you as you wrestle all night with existential questions of mortality and meaning as well as a couple of random wrestlers.

Taurus You'll start to think the people who want you to choose between hugs and drugs have set up a false dichotomy after discovering you can actually have both at once.

Gemini Remember, only you can give yourself permission to be happy, although the people in charge of giving you permission to use the bathroom may have something to say about that.

Cancer You had no idea the love life of the nuthatch was so vigorous, so obsessive, and so likely to result in the death of people like yourself who just like to watch birds do it.

Leo You hate the phrase "We're through the looking glass here, people," but you'll have to use it anyway this week when you and a bunch of people go through a looking glass.

Virgo The stars hate to be the ones to tell you, but the problem with you is certainly not that you love too much.

Libra People will say you've hit a new low even for you, which is depressing, as they clearly haven't been paying attention to a thing you've done.

Scorpio You'll score a bunch of great stereo equipment and furniture from your neighbors, who happen to die when you go into their house and stab them and take all their things.

Sagittarius You'll finally give in to a persistent coworker's desire to, as he puts it, "spread you wide open, throw your feet up on the mantel, and really go to town," but to your great dismay there seems to be sex involved.

Capricorn You knew that moving to the suburbs would expose you to a whole new kind of culture shock, but you had no idea there were people who didn't get drunk to mow the lawn.

Aquarius Romance will bloom in your sign this week, coating everything with a thin layer of pollen and making a mess before germinating into the overripe and rotten fruit of routine.

Pisces There will be no major changes in your life this week, which given the fires and barracudas, is pretty terrible news.

Madness

Looks like March Madness has begun -- in this case, nothing basketball-related, but, rather, the time in Chicago when landlords aren't required to have their heat on (or at least are permitted to radically curtail it). It's always in March, which, in Chicago, is always a cold-ass month. It's the time when one has to have plenty of blankets on hand, and flannel jammies, because otherwise you're gonna freeze! Sometimes the weather'll be bad enough that landlords have to turn the heat back on, but routinely cold weather won't deter them from scaling it back. *SHIVER*

The ONION came out swinging this week (below). Bahah!

Dead Teenager Mainly Remembered for Great Handjobs

I love the ONION's horoscopes (the Scorpio one had me laugh out loud, among others)...

• Aries You're starting to think about settling down, finding a nice little place, starting a family, maybe eventually even getting some clothes.
• Taurus Don't worry: There's absolutely nothing wrong with your goals, as long as you realize they're unrealistic and you can never actually achieve them.
• Gemini Rescue personnel will stretch the English language, the human voice, and the average person's constitution to unprecedented limits while trying to describe the horrible sounds you'll make next week.
• Cancer This is a good month to take long trips, as long as you travel in a slow, ground-based vehicle without all that much fuel in it.
• Leo The habit is certainly awkward for your friends and family members, but this would actually be a bad time to discontinue your practice of carrying a battle-ax to church.
• Virgo The constellation Virgo has seen you gazing at her in silent supplication, and she has this message for you: Her eyes are up here.
• Libra You'll be astounded to learn this week that, in certain less-than-legitimate circumstances, monkeys do come in barrels, but they are no fun whatsoever.
• Scorpio You've succeeded in breeding pandas in captivity, but the hard part will be getting them to breed with each other.
• Sagittarius You always wanted to die peacefully at home in your sleep, but look at it this way: You'll be at home, all right, and the flames will spread so fast you'll only be awake for a few seconds.
• Capricorn You're spending less time considering your future these days, which, all things considered, is only appropriate.
• Aquarius Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do. Push your grandmother in front of a bus this week.
• Pisces Time and space are both illusions, making it even more frustrating that you're always in the wrong place at the wrong time.

54,000 words.

Kirk was an Aries

Hmmm....

What is Kim Kardashian famous for, anyway? What sterling qualities might she bring to garner such undeserved celebrity?

There must be something about her, right? I don't know. Something behind it all?

And then, seeing her pix, finding something compelling about them, I thought "Wait, I know what it is! I bet she's a LIBRA."

Yep.

Time and again, when a celebrity might catch my eye, odds are good that she's a Libran. Librans are natural exhibitionists, incidentally. It's why, say, Kate Winslet can't seem to be in a movie without baring her assets, so to speak. And she's definitely not the only one. The astrological equivalent of wind chimes, beware the Libran.

Bahahah!

Hungry

You know, I was thinking of my whole Libra analysis, and I forgot to include two key ones, who share billing in Tony Scott's "The Hunger" (1983) -- the stylish-yet-vacuous and almost interminably empty vampire movie -- Susan Sarandon and Catherine Deneuve. In many ways, "The Hunger" is the ultimate Libra movie, with so much emphasis on form, and so little on substance. Keep in mind that Catherine Deneuve is definitely one of my Libra celebrity crushes, but watching these two Libra actresses court one another's characters, it's just terribly amusing. Look at the flat gazes, the studied shallowness, and so on...

"The Hunger"

As a student of Librans, it just amuses me to see them interact in this movie (and, really, this movie will make you want to claw your eyes out, because it just drags and drags and drags -- imagine, a BORING vampire movie? Yep. The only thing "The Hunger" makes you hunger for is plot, pacing, characterization). There are people who love "The Hunger," but I will contend that the fans of that movie are Librans, themselves. A movie of Librans, by Librans, for Librans: "The Hunger." Try watching it, you'll see. Long fucking movie.

Catherine Deneuve. Stunning, an almost iconic feminine beauty. And doll's eyes.

And Susan Sarandon, liberal Libra. I just included her for the cleavage! Bahah! She puts the "bra" in "Libra!"

The Abyss Also Gazes Into You

And talking about eyes, celebrities, and zodiacal silliness, I totally have to bring up Scorpios. Because Scorpios also stand out -- I can detect female Scorpio celebrities with uncanny accuracy. I'll say "I bet she's a damned Scorpio" and I'll be right. Scorpio guys are harder to detect, and I don't know why that is; I think a general fucked-upness is in play with Scorpio guys that has them maybe at odds with themselves.

And lord help the world when a Scorpio gets a bee in their bonnet, because it's never coming out. The Scorpio Gaze is different from the Libra Gaze in that there's a hardness to it (regardless of how girly and pretty the woman is, Scorpio Eyes are HARD), and the second sterling quality of the Scorpio Gaze is that it bores into you. Whereas a Libra's just gazing at you flatly, a Scorpio is bringing their searchlight eyes to bear on you, seeing through you -- I have likened it to gazing in a dark pool of water, and you know there's a sea monster in there looking back at you; you can't quite see the monster, but you know it's there, and it's looking back at you, and it will kill you, if you're not careful. Let's look at some examples...

First, let me start with an exemplar. Vivien Leigh. She masterfully put her Scorpio Eyes to work to secure all sorts of roles, and she put those headlamps to bear in shot after shot. Very memorable (and, amusingly, she channeled the archetypal Libra with Blanche DuBois, but she still had Scorpio eyes in that role).

Grace Kelly is likely one that would fool most people -- they'd think "Oh, she's a Libra, right?" Because she has those elements. Except the eyes. Grace Kelly's eyes are the "tell" with her. A "Scorpio Test" I like to do is to cover the rest of the face, revealing only the eyes. If they're the eyes of a killer, then odds are very, very good that you're dealing with a Scorpio. Try it, you'll see. Monster in the water, gazing up at you from the depths. Wanting to eat you.

And who can forget Sean Young, in her fleeting star turn in "Bladerunner?" Exemplary Scorpio Eyes (and Scorpio lifestyle, if history is any indication). Again, the eyes aren't flat; rather, they are boring into you, across space and time, and are devoid of compassion. Pretty face, killer's eyes.

What about sweet, bosomy, goofy-faced Anne Hathaway? Such a nice young woman, masterfully suited for particular roles? Mmm hmm. The eyes. Mind those deadly eyes -- they will drown you.

Kelly Osbourne? Not that plump little child of celebrity. Not her, too, surely? God, yes. Deadly eyes. Scorpio Eyes.

Jenny McCarthy, the Joan of Arc of anti-vaccination? Yep. She might be mistaken for a Libra in the above one, if you weren't paying attention, but those eyes are boring into you, saying "Hey, don't you realize that vaccination is the greatest threat to humanity since fluoridation?" Sure, Jenny. Just try convincing a Scorpio that they're wrong. Seriously. Try it sometime.

Callista Flockhart is another exemplar. The Scorpio Gaze gives away nothing, while seeks to plumb your depths (if there). I imagine Scorpios could be good poker players, just because they'd sit across the table and freak out the other players with their killer's eyes.

Let's not forget Winon Ryder. She based a whole career on those sea monster eyes of hers. I imagine she thought she could shoplift with those eyes, like just stunning the clerks into submission.

Another 80s icon of sorts, Demi Moore. She epitomizes the Scorpio Gaze in a postmodern world. Determined, ruthless, deadly. The "tell" with Scorpio eyes is that they stand out from the face that surrounds them, and they bore into you.

Rachel McAdams is one who might fool the unwary, because of her "America's Sweetheart" kind of bearing, and her big, cartoonish smile. But she's a Scorpio, and the eyes are the Tell. She will fucking kill you, if you're not careful.

Pretty. Vacant.

I have a thing for Libra women; the rule of thumb is if a celebrity babe strikes my fancy out of the blue, odds are good that she's a Libra. I can't account for it, but it's so often true that I can usually spot them. Many of my celebrity crushes are Libra babes. A big tell is their eyes -- they have doll eyes, basically, with a flat aspect to their gaze. Here are some samples...

Naomi Watts. Hard-working actress who is generic enough that she gets a lot of work, but then people are like "It was that movie with, you know, what's her name?"

Avril Lavigne, who may or may not qualify as a celebrity, anymore. Does she still sing? I dunno. But dig those empty, empty eyes. What's she thinking about? Anything?

Gwen Stefani is one of the Libra exemplars -- pretty, fashionable, femme, stylish, but what's going on in that head? Her dark eyes help disguise it, but I bet there are ample tales behind the scenes.

Ah, Kate Winslet. Yes, yes, yes. A fine actress, and so fond of doffing her duds to reveal her delightful curves, what's not to like? And I do think she's mighty fine. And yet, those eyes, what to make of them? She's an exemplar in terms of my "Libra Eyes" meme. You can pick through any number of her shots and see them gazing out at you flatly.

It's hard to find a celebrity more "Libra-ish" than Gwyneth Paltrow. She's a true Libra exemplar, who manages the breezy flakiness and nutball trippiness with the blandly beautiful appearance and those astoundingly flat eyes (they look even emptier when she's actually acting, in motion -- her eyes are like marbles).

Another exemplar is Alicia Silverstone. She can look at you with those flat eyes and it makes you want to snap your fingers in front of her face like "Hello? Is there anybody in there?" It's not that Librans aren't smart, because I'm sure they are; it's just that their eyes have that shallow gaze that gives you absolutely no indication of what's going on in there.

And lest you think it's only female Librans who have this quality...

I mean, we know Matt Damon's a smart guy, right? But what's with those eyes? Again, the finger snap test comes into play, here.

Viggo Mortensen. Helllllooooo? Viggggo? Where you at, Holmes?

Now, Librans are usually smooth operators, socially, and can be superficially charming, even charismatic after a fashion (and who can argue with the Libran tendency toward exhibitionism?), but they all have those Libran dolls' eyes that are usually a dead-eyed giveaway, if you're paying attention. If eyes are the mirrors of the soul, then are Librans ultimately soulless? Are those mirrors two-way, or merely one-way? That proverb is never more perfect than with Librans.

Tooooosday

I banged out 2000 words this morning on the book I'm working on. I'm shooting to get it done by summer's end. It's coming along nicely, I think. I decided to give it 12 (or at most, 13 chapters). Long chapters, averaging about 7000 words -- which is a departure for me. I have a certain intuitive sense of rhythm with my fiction, and will write scenes with that in mind, so writing longer chapters "feels" different to me. It's an experiment for me.

I have several more books queued up in my head, will work on them in turn. The long drive south always triggers my creative juices -- the South just radiates "vibe" and inspires me.

(later, around noontime)

I got a Tuscan Chicken Melt from Subway (footlong flatbread, provolone, cucumber slices, lettuce, black olives, green peppers, red onions, oregano, black pepper, and their Tuscan sauce).

I was amused by yesterday's horoscopes in the Chicago Redeye...

Aries: You're going through a midlife crisis, even if you're just 22. Saturn has you reconsidering every major life decision you've made in the past 10 years. Why did you marry a mortician? Why did you fall in love with a cougar who has 10 kids?

Bahah! Some of the other ones are pretty funny, too. I'm tempted to share them. Muahah....

I don't think I'm having a midlife crisis, honestly; I used to joke about my quarterlife crisis back in the 90s -- so midlife is no big deal, and compared with the place I was in back in the 90s (or the 00s), I'm hunky-fucking-dory, honestly. The prospect of my own place is exciting as hell. And more writing time! Yay!

They're still filming scenes from "The Transformers 3" downtown. I saw more wreckage just south of the river, on Wacker Drive. And some armored personnel carriers. I snapped some pix of that.

"Louis" is on FX tonight, around 10:00 CST (11:00 EST). Louis CK is funny; definitely my kind of comic. I'll try to get caffeinated at the right moment this evening so I can stay up to watch it.

Sacre Bleus

I am highly amused by the French National Team's coach, Raymond Domenech, and his apparent dedication to astrology in laying out his team. Especially his apparent distrust of Scorpios (wise man! "Domenech has a particular aversion to picking Scorpios for his squads, referring to them as 'feckless, unreliable, troublesome, pleasure-obsessed attention-seekers'" -- CACKLE) and not wanting Leos in his defense ("When I have got a Leo in defence, I've always got my gun ready. I know he's going to want to show off at one moment or another and cost us.")

Whatever his team's astrological lineup (and I'd love to know what signs he deemed worthy of fielding, but I'll wager from the results that he didn't have nearly enough Ariens on the front lines. He should have; then maybe France would've had better results.

Ah, here's the team. Yep, on a quick glance, I only see one Aries on his team (midfielder Franck Ribéry). Big mistake. One of the goalkeepers (Steve Mandanda). Beyond that, a fragrant melange of Cancerians, Virgos, Pisceans, maybe Capricorns. Too much Earth and Water make for mud!! You need FIRE to win!! Wind and Fire!

Gabby Crabby

Today's a lovely, properly summery day. I went to Subway (again -- two days in a row!) to snag some lunch, and walked across campus, soaking up the silence and the sound of the breeze, and city summer sounds in general. Just a pretty day. A good hand-holding day, although I didn't see anybody doing that; it's what I'd have done -- held hands and wolfen glances.

There are a LOT of pregnant women in the city, I've noticed. And it's not my doing, in case you wondered! But I swear, there are just tons of them. I haven't kept track, but I must've seen nearly 50 very pregnant women in the last month. Almost bums me out, because it means those kids are going to be what, Cancers? The world definitely doesn't need more Cancerians. At the Asylum, where I work, I've worked with more Cancerians than any other sign -- like at least 10 -- I guess editing appeals to Cancerian natures, somehow.

An abortive date-n-dalliance with a Cancerian when I was 19 is what led me to Exene. I could go on a total screed about Cancerians -- the pretensions and affectations, the phoniness, the self-righteousness, the superficiality, the endless whining about abso-fucking-lutely everything -- but I won't. I remember being bummed out to find that Mary Stuart Masterson, my adolescent celebrity crush (who, goddamn her, also paved the road to Exene because Exene superficially resembled Watts back in the day -- anyway, SHE is a Cancerian, too. I'm way past my crush on Masterson, but I look back on her and think "Huh. I thought you were alright, Mary Stuart Masterson, but you're a Cancer. So, you're likely NOT alright."). My older stepsister's a Cancer, too. Don't get me started on her.

Anyway, this baby boom I'm observing around the city, I keep thinking "Great. A whole crop of Cancerians. Just what this world needs." And if you're a Cancerian and you're reading this, and are put off by it, well, so much the better -- I've given you something to whine about for today. Just because it would annoy a Cancerian, I'll put this below in honor of them...

I will give you one prop to feed your vanity: you photograph well. I've yet to see a Cancerian who isn't reasonably photogenic. I suspect their innate tendency to pose their way through life makes them natural photographic subjects. They have the Art of the Pose down. Artifice is like breathing for them.

Well, I finished my sandwich (Tuscan Chicken Melt with provolone, on Italian, with lettuce, green peppers, black olives, cucumber slices, red onions, black pepper, oregano, and their Tuscan chicken dressing. I got it toasted), so I guess I'll go back to work.

Wow

I'm listening to NPR's "Fresh Air" at the moment, and Samantha Bee (from "The Daily Show") is being interviewed, and listening to her, what she was saying, I thought "I bet she's a Scorpio." I could just tell. And you know what? She is. October 25, 1969. I just looked her up. Now I can even spot Scorpios without seeing them! I didn't even have to see a picture of her. I knew.

Oh, and a thing I always notice about Scorpios: they routinely cross their arms like that.

Hornyscope

I had to laugh at my horoscope today (in the Chicago Redeye)...

Mars is heightening your sex drive. You'll jump on anything that moves. If you're single, you'll be tempted to look up that psychotic-yet-sexy ex for a hop in the sack. If you're with someone, you'll want to stay in bed all day.

Who says horoscopes aren't accurate?! Bahah! It's like they've known me all my life!

Unbalanced

You know, Vivien Leigh (although a Scorpio, herself), managed a picture-perfect portrayal of a Libra in her characterization of Blanche DuBois. Blanche is the archetypal Libran. You think in that clip that the music's just part of the soundtrack, but astute observers of the Libran in action know that the music's actually just playing in their heads -- like when they get that far-off look in their eyes, they've gone off to their Happy Place, their castle in the sky, where candy-apple mares eat rainbows and cotton candy, and their Shining Knight will rescue them, sooner or later. Far, far away....

Oh, and I laugh -- Brando was an Aries, and the look on his face above (and Blanche's) aptly conveys the respective mental states of these polar opposites, when confronting one another (the above shot looks like Stanley's about to say "Earth to Blanche! HELLOOO in there?" and Blanche is busy being delusional about her gentleman callers and the kindness of strangers.)

The Day of Cosmic Comedy

Today's my birthday!

According to "The Secret Language of Birthdays," today is The Day of Cosmic Comedy, which is actually pretty appropriate, for those who know me. I laugh early, and I laugh often, I laugh with, and I laugh at. I can get very nearly anybody to laugh (except for supreme assholes, fussbudgets, and sourpusses, who get annoyed at my sense of humor). The name of this day amuses me, too, because I often joke about how the Cosmos is having a laugh with me.

Some famous birthday fellow travelers: Charlie Chaplin, Peter Ustinov, Henry Mancini, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Ellen Barkin, Herbie Mann.

The Thighs Have It

I realize that I'm a thigh man, in addition to other things -- there's something very compelling about a nicely-turned woman's thigh. A smooth line. I find I notice a woman's thighs -- she's got to have'em. I'm no fan of the anorexic matchstick legs you see on fashion models and various eating disordered sorts in the city. If a woman's thighs are skinnier than my upper arms, it just looks sickly to me. I'm sure that's the subconscious mating cue, there, like health vs. sickness. Gimme some thigh! I need something to hold onto!

I'm sure watching ANTM makes me more conscious of that, seeing those half-starved, half-mad models doing their thing on the show -- all of them waifs, even the obligatory "plus size model" (What is she, a size 6? A fashion model zeppelin?) is too skinny. There's fit and attractive, and then there's starvation, and all of the ANTM models are like that -- just way too skinny. And they say the camera adds 10 pounds to you, so it makes me wonder just how much worse they look in real-life.

They did two eliminations last night -- Gabrielle "I Look Like Matt from 'Nip/Tuck'" and Naduah "I have a shaved head and grew up in a cult." Most of the gals this season are particularly crazy -- not all, but most. Amazing to think this show's been on for so many years!

I still don't really have a favorite, yet. The one with the eyebrows did a good job last night, but I don't particularly like her. Jessica, the Arkansas Baby Daddy Girl, did well, too -- she seems nice enough, and is very pretty, but I haven't cottoned to her, yet. Ren, the wild card, was so whiny, she was annoying me a great deal -- and Tyra, to her credit, commented on her whining on the set by pointing out her tattoos, said "You clearly have endured pain and discomfort before...." I loved that.

Here they all are. Stick Chicks on parade. Of course, I'm busy trying to find their astrological signs, to see whether the annoying ones are annoying me especially because they're particular signs that invariably annoy me.

Oscar Grouching, cont'd...

What else stood out at me at the Oscars? As ever, George Clooney's self-consciousness bothers me. I mean, he's GEORGE CLOONEY, right? What's he got to worry about? And yet, he's acutely aware of himself, is staggeringly self-conscious, and it bothers me. He's a pretender to the Cary Grant throne (yeah, there's a Cary Grant throne, and only Cary Grant got to sit on it), and he knows it, but he's like the guy at the party who talks too loud, swaggers when he's sitting still, and tries to get everybody to listen to this "really funny story" that's actually not funny, but that won't stop him from cornering you and telling you it, anyway. It bothered me every time the camera would go to Clooney and he's mug for the camera, or otherwise react to it. Chill out, Clooney. You're a movie star, not an actor, and there really is a difference, and your movie star is setting. I know it bothers you (it's come up in interviews, although he guffaws about it like it doesn't really bother him, but I know it does; I can just tell). That acute self-awareness is off-putting; he's not natural, he's contrived.

And speaking of that, I'm bothered by Stanley Tucci's eyes -- he has these dead eyes that call to mind Michael Caine. And I think it's part of the problem. I see it every time he performs -- he embodies that East Coast style of acting, where American actors focus on theater work in hopes of being as good at it as English actors. The English have a remarkable ability to create Great Actors(tm) -- those workmanlike actors who can basically be inserted into any role and they will excel in it. They bring a very cerebral approach to acting that focuses on craftsmanship instead of the from-the-heart style of Method. And with the English, it works.

But when American actors try it, they come off as cold and actorly -- and Tucci is of that school. He's a successful actor, gets a ton of work, and he's very much that kind of actor who you say "Can you play this?" and he'll gaze at you coldly and say "No problem." and he'll give you a credible performance of whatever the fuck it is that he was called upon to play.

And, to me, that's exactly the problem. There is a clinical detachment to his craftsmanship, an inherent coldness to his work that, regardless of the role he plays, remains there. It's why I bring up Michael Caine -- Caine has a huge, huge career that spans endless decades. And he's played countless roles -- but that clinical coldness is always in his roles, like the smile that fails to reach the eyes. The coldest thing onscreen is Michael Caine smiling -- just look at his eyes, and you'll see the smile doesn't get up there. Tucci has that same thing going on -- the smile doesn't reach the eyes, the life doesn't get in there.

I pay so much attention to actors' eyes -- and Tucci's got scary-cold eyes. And you know where I went after thinking about his performance style, right? Yes. He's a Scorpio. I knew it. The eyes always, always reveal the Scorpio. Cold fucking eyes.

I didn't know that until I just looked a second ago -- what bothered me is those shark's eyes of his and his cold, clinical performing style, and then I thought "Oh, wait, I bet I know what he is." Sure enough.

I'm not saying Tucci's a bad actor, because he's not -- he's a highly competent craftsman with his acting. He'll give you any performance you require of him. He's what George Clooney could, perhaps, aspire to, if Clooney were actually a good actor, and not George Clooney(tm), the fading movie star. But Tucci won't ever be an incendiary talent -- he's acting far too up in his head to ever take that kind of risk. For him, I'll wager it's an exercise in calculated performance -- his guiding star would be Olivier, not Brando.