This-and-that

Mild and pleasant day today. Foot still hurts. Blah!

I got B1 an old Waterworks game -- got the 1970s version I played as a kid. It's the card came you play where you're supposed to complete a length of pipe. He LOVES it. But I knew he would. We played like five times last night (by his request). Very cute to see him enjoying that so much. I forget what made me think he'd love it -- something he saw, was fascinated by. My Dwarvish boy, fascinated by pipes! If he doesn't end up a doctor, he's sure to be an engineer or maybe an architect. Something like that. He's so sweet and smart and serious and sensitive.

I'm going to write the new screenplay in the next few days. I only have two weeks to get it done, but it should be only about 12,000 words, judging from how long the original one took, and I should be able to get that done, although I'm going to have to work hard on it. Time is running out! I'm determined to make the deadline, however. If I lose the competition, I'm gonna be peevish. We'll see.

Little Big Head

Okay, this blog title and concept cracks me up.

Eureka!

I figured out a solution to the screenplay problem, a way to spin the story off in a new (and very nasty) way. Muahah! It was a synthesis of two ideas I had, and the fusion of them alloys into something new and horrific! Or should I say "terrific?" Baha!

Whew. Glad my brain woke up today, as I was really stuck. But I got it. I have 15 days to get it done.

Tired

I'm worn out today. Not enough sleep, just tired. One of the pillars for me, definitely.

It's gorgeous out today -- cool and wonderfully sunny. Just very pleasant. Hopefully the summer will be nice.

Sent a query out to a literary agent on a whim -- just a name I ran across, somebody who might be interested in one of my books. We'll see. Odds are long, as ever, but one has to try!

I had such a good horror screenplay idea yesterday, the whole thing just unfolded perfectly, but the concept has already been done, and so I have to figure some way of altering the setup enough that it can't be said to be derivative of the source material. People do this all the time (just compare, say, "The Matrix" with "Monsters, Inc." and you'll see).

Yawn. Too tired today. Lordy. I wasn't even up so late (10:30, maybe?) I woke up at 5:18, so I don't know why I'm so sleepy. Better not be fighting a cold or something.

Spacing Out

I am not agoraphobic, but years of city living has made me realize just how much I love urban living, and how much the suburbs skeeve me out. The four years of home ownership in Indiana (2001-05) were a very stressful time for me, but those silent nights, with only the coyotes crazy-yipping and the trains howling in the incredible dark (and silence) really creeped me out. The city feels much safer to me than the suburbs -- those endless developments, the big and lonely homes with their silence.

Years ago, as a teen in my high school library, before even being aware of my "city boy" sensibility, I remember being creeped out by this picture...

It's a shot of the German Wehrmacht invading Russia, crossing the endless steppe. And the expanse of it, that endless plain, well, it horrifies me on a very deep level. There are other shots in this series, that'll show this column of tanks just grinding across that plain, but the steppe is infinitely vaster than the tanks, and it's haunting, that nothingness. It's just too much, and too little. I remember training through Montana, seeing that, too -- I'd see this lone house with absolutely nothing around it (well, Nature, of course, but nothing else) and would wonder how people could live there without going batshit-crazy.

I've posted this before (maybe on another blog?) but Palmyra Atoll, a very remote little place in the South Pacific, a satellite photograph of it gave me the willies, too -- the inky dark of the Pacific Ocean, just a few feet from swallowing up this atoll once and for all...


I hyperlinked a kayak ride to that atoll in the above picture. I think they're approaching from the right-hand side, judging from the lay of the land, what little there is of it. Anyway, you can see this unfriendly little atoll, dark and mysterious, rain-soaked. I've put more than a few short stories out on lonely little islands like that.

I'm sure it's tied to an instinctive sociability that is inherent in human beings on some level, but that isolation is just very creepy. Give me something for my eyes to fix on -- mountains, forests, rolling hills. Don't give me featureless plains or thumbprints of fading land in a giant, endless ocean of unimaginable depths and dangers.

I've never felt in danger in the city. But living out in the countryside, I've felt that Gothic kind of dread, the sameness, the emptiness, the lifeless houses, and above all, the wasted space. It didn't help that the years at "The Black House" were filled with weirdness and uncanny things, of course, but still, it creeps me out.

Footie

So, B2's registered for soccer in the fall. We've giving B1 a break from it. I talked Exene into backing off B1 on that, since he didn't seem to give a rat's ass about it, and I'd rather have him do something he wants to do than do something he feels like he's supposed to do. B1'll have enough of a background in soccer that, should he want to play again, he could probably pick it up, although I doubt team sports are really his thing.

My foot is slowly healing. B2 jumped on it yesterday, which hurt more than a bit, but I didn't let that on except to say "Ow." My little rough-n-tumble youngster. One part song-and-dance man, one part soccer hooligan -- no doubt in equal measure, since he's a Libra and all of that.

"What's Narcissism Got To Do With ME?"

The bolded ones are definitely ones I consistently experienced in the long slog with Exene...

Still not convinced the woman you love[d] has Borderline or Narcissistic personality traits? Here are some common side effects of being involved with a Borderline and/or a Narcissist:

1) Censoring your thoughts and feelings. You edit it yourself because you’re afraid of her reactions. Swallowing the lump in your throat and your hurt and anger is easier than dealing with another fight or hurt feelings. In fact, you may have stuffed your own emotions for so long that you no longer know what you think or feel. (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

2) Everything is your fault. You’re blamed for everything that goes wrong in the relationship and in general, even if it has no basis in reality. (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

3) Constant criticism. She criticizes nearly everything you do and nothing is ever good enough. No matter how hard you try, there’s no pleasing her or, if you do, it’s few and far between. (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

4) Control freak. She engages in manipulative behaviors, even lying, in an effort to control you. (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

5) Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde. One moment she’s kind and loving; the next she’s flipping out on you. She becomes so vicious, you wonder if she’s the same person. The first time it happens, you write it off. Now, it’s a regular pattern of behavior that induces feelings of depression, anxiety, helplessness and/or despair within you. (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

6) Your feelings don’t count. Your needs and feelings, if you’re brave enough to express them, are ignored, ridiculed, minimized and/or dismissed. You’re told that you’re too demanding, that there’s something wrong with you and that you need to be in therapy. You’re denied the right to your feelings. (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD although, BPDs are slightly more capable of empathy than NPDs).

7) Questioning your own sanity. You’ve begun to wonder if you’re crazy because she puts down your point of view and/or denies things she says or does. If you actually confide these things to a friend or family member, they don’t believe you because she usually behaves herself around other people. (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

8) Say what? “But I didn’t say that. I didn’t do that.” Sure you did. Well, you did in her highly distorted version of reality. Her accusations run the gamut from infidelity to cruelty to being unsupportive (even when you’re the one paying all the bills) to repressing her and holding her back. It’s usually bull, which leaves you feeling defensive and misunderstood. (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

9) Isolating yourself from friends and family. You distance yourself from your loved ones and colleagues because of her erratic behavior, moodiness and instability. You make excuses for her inexcusable behaviors to others in an effort to convince yourself that it’s normal. (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

10) Walking on landmines. One misstep and you could set her off. Some people refer to this as “walking on eggshells,” but eggs emit only a dull crunch when you step on them. Setting off a landmine is a far more descriptive simile. (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

11) What goes up, must come down. She places you on a pedestal only to knock it out from under your feet. You’re the greatest thing since sliced bread one minute and the next minute, you’re the devil incarnate. (This is a BPD trait).

12) Un-level playing field. Borderlines and Narcissists make the rules; they break the rules and they change the rules at will. Just when you think you’ve figured out how to give her what she wants, she changes her expectations and demands without warning. This sets you up for failure in no-win situations, leaving you feeling helpless and trapped. (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

13) You’re a loser, but don’t leave me. “You’re a jerk. You’re a creep. You’re a bastard. I love you. Don’t leave me.” When you finally reach the point where you just can’t take it anymore, the tears, bargaining and threats begin. She insists she really does love you. She can’t live without you. She promises to change. She promises it will get better, but things never change and they never get better.

When that doesn’t work, she blames you and anything and anyone else she can think of, never once taking responsibility for her own behaviors. She may even resort to threats. She threatens that you’ll never see the kids again. Or she threatens to bad mouth you to your friends and family. She’s a lovely lady. (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).

by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD

She definitely has most of these. The "constant criticism" is more like mute disapproval and blithe disregard than out and out criticism, although the claws come out immediately in a dispute. And similarly, she's generally agreeable so long as she gets her way -- but the moment she doesn't, watch out! That last one probably loosely qualifies, but it's far more complicated than that -- like she's never once promised to change, because in her view, she's Perfection(tm), and why mess with perfection? The fault was squarely mine for not realizing that. Sigh.

I wish I hadn't pissed away the last two years of my life trying to make things easier for her at my own emotional and monetary expense, but an NPD is like a grenade with the pin pulled, honestly -- when you're up against somebody who is unapologetically and unreservedly out for their own self-interest in any confrontation, what do you do? In my view, the sane move was to back away slowly. And, sure, it was likely too slowly, but at least we've established neutrality between us over the months -- that'll be somewhat more helpful in the future, in terms of amicability and her finding her own way. I'd much rather have that than for the boys to have run through that minefield with me in my bid to go over the wall.

Mother?

Hmmm.

Rock Star

B2 has taken to lately wanting a star put over his right eye (like applied with lipstick or a washable marker), which he calls his "Rock Star." It's a bargaining chip lately, like I get him to eat for the promise of him getting to sport his Rock Star. B2's gone glam on me! He also makes the devil sign and says "Rock-n-rollllllll!"

B2, Rock Star.

St. Andy of Warhol

"Art is whatever you can get away with."

-- Andy Warhol

The icy audacity of Andy Warhol has fascinated me since I was first aware of the wider world. Maybe that he came from Pittsburgh was part of it, that Rust Belt sense of parochialism, but his overall approach to art intrigued me. His cold and clinical persona ("Drella") and position as a true innovator in the twilight of America's cultural golden age holds great interest to me. He always seemed profoundly a master of the game, with that mystique around him and even in areas where he wasn't particularly skillful (film making, hello?) his aura ensured that it would at least generate interest.

I think a lot of cold souls are drawn to Warhol, for that sense of coolness and scenesterism, whereas what always drew me was that seditious approach to art that he had, to find the extraordinary in the mundane, or the mundane in the exceptional, and his ability to square the circle and seemingly mass-produce innovative and striking techniques. Acutely self-aware, he seemed to have created a sphinxlike aura about himself, too. He'd just turn up in odd places, following his fancy, and I liked that.

The kind of cult of personality Warhol seemed able to do so easily is something far beyond me -- I'm far too open a person, far too prone to being burned by that openness, so I'm more feast-or-famine where people are concerned, whereas Warhol just glided through his life aware of it as a performance, and he was a master performer, with the whole world as his audience. I paid attention to him as a study of someone altogether alien from me, but inspiring, too.

Pesticide

This is an interesting study, linking ADHD to pesticide use. I'm sure the agriculture and pesticide industries will quickly mount counterstudies showing the health effects of pesticides or something. But it's curious, just the same.

What a Croc!

I get kind of horrified by the latest Crocs ad campaign, where they try to show the Crocs as these little gremlins who are busy being kind to your feet. But I see them and recoil, like "AAAUGH! Gremlins! Homonculi!! Get away from my FEEEET!"

Back

B1's team won their soccer match, something like 4-2. He had some good defensive plays and a chance at a goal shot, has definitely made progress. There were team photos today, which ate up some of the time I'd allotted with the Zipcar.

We picked up B2 a new bike at Toys-R-Us. It's very cute. This nice 16-inch green bike. I also got the boys some giant Crayola chalks (they're HUGE!)

Then a grocery run (taking advantage of having some wheels to get it done).

It's all overcast today, cool and mild.