Still not convinced the woman you love[d] has Borderline or Narcissistic personality traits? Here are some common side effects of being involved with a Borderline and/or a Narcissist:She definitely has most of these. The "constant criticism" is more like mute disapproval and blithe disregard than out and out criticism, although the claws come out immediately in a dispute. And similarly, she's generally agreeable so long as she gets her way -- but the moment she doesn't, watch out! That last one probably loosely qualifies, but it's far more complicated than that -- like she's never once promised to change, because in her view, she's Perfection(tm), and why mess with perfection? The fault was squarely mine for not realizing that. Sigh.
1) Censoring your thoughts and feelings. You edit it yourself because you’re afraid of her reactions. Swallowing the lump in your throat and your hurt and anger is easier than dealing with another fight or hurt feelings. In fact, you may have stuffed your own emotions for so long that you no longer know what you think or feel. (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).
2) Everything is your fault. You’re blamed for everything that goes wrong in the relationship and in general, even if it has no basis in reality. (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).
3) Constant criticism. She criticizes nearly everything you do and nothing is ever good enough. No matter how hard you try, there’s no pleasing her or, if you do, it’s few and far between. (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).
4) Control freak. She engages in manipulative behaviors, even lying, in an effort to control you. (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).
5) Dr Jekyll and Ms Hyde. One moment she’s kind and loving; the next she’s flipping out on you. She becomes so vicious, you wonder if she’s the same person. The first time it happens, you write it off. Now, it’s a regular pattern of behavior that induces feelings of depression, anxiety, helplessness and/or despair within you. (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).
6) Your feelings don’t count. Your needs and feelings, if you’re brave enough to express them, are ignored, ridiculed, minimized and/or dismissed. You’re told that you’re too demanding, that there’s something wrong with you and that you need to be in therapy. You’re denied the right to your feelings. (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD although, BPDs are slightly more capable of empathy than NPDs).
7) Questioning your own sanity. You’ve begun to wonder if you’re crazy because she puts down your point of view and/or denies things she says or does. If you actually confide these things to a friend or family member, they don’t believe you because she usually behaves herself around other people. (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).
8) Say what? “But I didn’t say that. I didn’t do that.” Sure you did. Well, you did in her highly distorted version of reality. Her accusations run the gamut from infidelity to cruelty to being unsupportive (even when you’re the one paying all the bills) to repressing her and holding her back. It’s usually bull, which leaves you feeling defensive and misunderstood. (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).
9) Isolating yourself from friends and family. You distance yourself from your loved ones and colleagues because of her erratic behavior, moodiness and instability. You make excuses for her inexcusable behaviors to others in an effort to convince yourself that it’s normal. (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).
10) Walking on landmines. One misstep and you could set her off. Some people refer to this as “walking on eggshells,” but eggs emit only a dull crunch when you step on them. Setting off a landmine is a far more descriptive simile. (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).
11) What goes up, must come down. She places you on a pedestal only to knock it out from under your feet. You’re the greatest thing since sliced bread one minute and the next minute, you’re the devil incarnate. (This is a BPD trait).
12) Un-level playing field. Borderlines and Narcissists make the rules; they break the rules and they change the rules at will. Just when you think you’ve figured out how to give her what she wants, she changes her expectations and demands without warning. This sets you up for failure in no-win situations, leaving you feeling helpless and trapped. (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).
13) You’re a loser, but don’t leave me. “You’re a jerk. You’re a creep. You’re a bastard. I love you. Don’t leave me.” When you finally reach the point where you just can’t take it anymore, the tears, bargaining and threats begin. She insists she really does love you. She can’t live without you. She promises to change. She promises it will get better, but things never change and they never get better.
When that doesn’t work, she blames you and anything and anyone else she can think of, never once taking responsibility for her own behaviors. She may even resort to threats. She threatens that you’ll never see the kids again. Or she threatens to bad mouth you to your friends and family. She’s a lovely lady. (This is a trait of both BPD and NPD).
by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
I wish I hadn't pissed away the last two years of my life trying to make things easier for her at my own emotional and monetary expense, but an NPD is like a grenade with the pin pulled, honestly -- when you're up against somebody who is unapologetically and unreservedly out for their own self-interest in any confrontation, what do you do? In my view, the sane move was to back away slowly. And, sure, it was likely too slowly, but at least we've established neutrality between us over the months -- that'll be somewhat more helpful in the future, in terms of amicability and her finding her own way. I'd much rather have that than for the boys to have run through that minefield with me in my bid to go over the wall.
