Heartless

Valentine's Day, oohh! Guess I should do a love-themed post, right? Okay, here, goes...

I think people get into trouble where love is concerned when they either fail to understand what they really want, and/or fail to see the other person for who they really are.

1. Loves you for you: True love
2. Loves you for what/who they think you are: Deluded love
3. Loves you for what you can give them: Selfish love

I think those are the three options, really. And, in some cases, they aren't mutually exclusive. Now, you could semantically argue that Option 3 isn't love at all, and you'd likely be right. But I'm calling it that because people in that situation likely think they love Person X, and if you think you love, it's nearly the same thing -- objectively, it likely fails the "sniff test" as love, but people are so subjective about love that they may not think about it clearly enough (and few would honestly cop to being selfish in love; it's like how few people cop to being hipsters, or to being assholes, etc.) Selfish love seems like an oxymoron, and it is, honestly -- love can't truly be selfish, or it's not love -- but I see people caught up in selfish love all the time. It's out there.

Everybody thinks their love is true, but just like everybody thinks they're a good person, it's simply not so. As an empiricist and a skeptic, I would call bullshit on this. Know them by their actions, by what they do, how they treat you, how they see themselves. People would be better off if they actually had the stones to be honest about their intentions with love. But most people are afraid to do that, to actually face who they really are, and come to terms with it. 

The only one that really matters is Option 1, obviously. That's the strongest love, and if it's reciprocal, then you're in the best possible position. If you have a mismatch between loves, though, then you're in trouble. If you're not seeing the other person for who they really are, and/or if they're not seeing you for who you really are, and/or if you're not seeing yourself for who you really are, and/or if they're not seeing themselves for who they really are, then there's trouble right out of the gates. I've experienced this twice in my life, and it sucks. It is a roadmap for emotional pain!

People who are attracted to a "type" can also get into that kind of trouble, because, again, you're not seeing the person themselves, but some blend of 2 and 3, I suppose. I know many people who flounder through relationships because they are only attracted to that type, so it's like they're not even really seeing the person in front of them, but are drawn to a type, and can't figure out where it went wrong.

I know I have a type, and I wrestle with that. I'm old enough and experienced enough to understand that a type can be perilous, especially when stacked up against 1-3. It's easy to find attraction riding the coattails of love and fooling you. It's easy to be charmed by a type, only to understand, fundamentally, that she's not actually right for you. But the key is that self-understanding.

It's an identity tightrope. For it to work, you have to see yourself clearly, and you have to see the other person clearly. In so doing, in both cases, you have at least the possibility of true love. Any other situation, and somebody's going to get hurt.

Person A loves Person B as 1, but Person B loves Person A from 2 and 3. Net result: Person B feels some measure of contempt for Person A, and woe to Person A when they're not able to deliver whatever it is that Person B loves from 3. Person A then can either roll with it and suffer, or cut themselves loose.

Person X loves Person Y as 2, but Person Y loves Person X as 3. Net result: Person X gets used by Person Y, and either can't see it, or won't see it (depends on the degree of delusion they're carrying, and their capacity for self-abuse). Person Y just wants whatever it is that X gives, and woe to X when they can't deliver.

And so on. I would say two people "loving" each other as 3 would be a one-night stand, or a mutual hookup kind of arrangement, without anything deeper than that. Two people "loving" each other as 2 would be confusing and contradictory -- a case of two people probably not understanding themselves, and likely not understanding each other, either -- probably one of those dramatic unions where people argue a lot, just because they're a lot of misunderstanding. That's a union that would depend on mutual physical attraction more than actual love, is my guess.

Probably people inclined to love as 2 stagger from relationship to relationship, never understanding why it never works out for them. They're probably the ones who're embittered on Valentine's Day, wondering why it never works out for them, whereas I'd look at them and say that they need to get their heads out of their asses and understand who they really are, and what they actually want. Some introspection would serve them well.

Anyway, be honest about who you are and what you actually want, see the other person for who they really are, not who you think you are (or want them to be, or wish they would be), and certainly don't value someone for what they can give you (be it money, identity, security, etc.), and you'll at least have the chance of finding and experiencing true love. Beware of the "type" trap confounding your otherwise good sense, assuming you even have good sense.

"Happy Valentine's Day" | OutKast